Thursday, June 30, 2011

Mama Bean has an anger problem

Ever since Sprout's birth, I have found myself irrationally angered by almost anything, and it's really starting to get me down. I try to tell myself that I am hiding it well, and keeping it from affecting the people around me, especially the kids. But I know it's not working. I know I'm taking it out on Papa Bean most of all.

I am brittle and defensive, seeing judgment in any little thing that's said. Or even in what's not said. Especially in what's not said. I read condemnation into innocent actions. I am convinced I am being deemed lacking. It's feeding into my naturally isolationist tendencies.

I have felt like this before. For example, during:
  • my entire adolescence
  • the months leading up to my deepest depressive episode
  • a few days in the Delirious Early Days after Bean's birth
  • a few days, occasionally, pre-menstrually
Not to turn this whole angsty mess into something "merely hormonal" but there is a theme to all those bullets.

Anyway, I've been dealing with this passively, which is to say, not at all. Just allowing myself to be buffeted and shattered by the ebb and flow of fury. My fingers typing these words is the most active thing I've done to acknowledge, yes-this-is-happening, no-it's-not-good, what-should-be-done. This isn't even a post requesting help, it's a statement of what is.

I am glad to be headed away now. Though usually I find travel stressful, and the gist of that remains true in this instance, it is overridden by the relief I anticipate in escape, if only for a few days. When I return, I hope the wide prairie sky will have mellowed me, in the way only hours watching the wind play in fields of grass can do. No doubt the proximity of the mountains will help also (quick, someone say something about big rocks being "grounding"...)


  1. Know that you are not alone. It happens more than any of us care to admit. At least you admitted it.