Mama Bean is in flux

• A continued flow or flowing, a flood; the flowing in of the tide
• Constant or frequent change, fluctuation
• The discharge of large quantities of fluid material from the body, especially the discharge of watery feces from the intestines
• A state of uncertainty about what should be done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a new direction of action

To say things are in flux is an understatement. I might even say things are in crisis, or at least critical flux. And so, I am in crisis mode. I have vast quantities of stress and responsibility blended smoothly with low quantities of patience or other emotional resources. It is a maelstrom.

I can't necessarily blog openly about any of the details. Many important relationships and professional consequences depend on the maintenance of discretion. So.

I will say this has revealed to me how my NJness shines through in such crisis/flux states. INtuitive, see the Big Picture; Judger, make a Plan. If I only I didn't have this pesky Feeler complicating things, making me sensitive to relational needs. It would be easier if I could be coldly logical and Thinker-like about this.

My NJ gets frustrated by the S(ensing) and P(erceiving) I am seemingly surrounded by. I want a bullhorn, "Let's keep our eyes on the big picture here, people! These are the essential things, list a) b) c)..." And while it seems to them I am glossing over details right now, it is only because getting hung up on those details prevents action on the Plan, and when it's the best Plan we've got, acting on it really becomes fairly imperative. So keep your negative Nit Picks to yourself * humph *

It seems what the folks around me really want is (endless) affirmation of how they've been victimized, how their anger is justified, how Wrong It All Is. And guess what? It is. It's wrong and I'm angry and I am victimized, too. This is all true. I'm sorry. But we cannot allow anger to paralyze us. We cannot allow sadness and helplessness and intense emotions to seize our faculties completely because there are other people depending on us! Like, isn't this obvious? Do I really need to explain this? Hell, I am depending on you! So snapoutofitalready. srsly.

I wrote about Lent being like a flood - and a flood of change and upheaval and chaos it has turned out to be. Change is the only constant right now, everything is changing in fast and slow ways all at the same time. Maelstrom. And it does all feel a bit like watery feces, a great pool of watery feces permeating my day. There is great uncertainty. And uncertainty smells...

The great flux that has eclipsed all the other flux results in this: I will have much greater responsibility at my job. I will have much greater financial and relational responsibility, to keep everything and everyone running. My job will become much less part-time than it has been thus far. I will see less of my children, at a time I feel it critical for them to be seeing me more. 

This all feels like a weight, and I will admit, after a day of putting on the strong NJ face, in the private moments driving or writing or waiting to fall asleep, my stomach clenches in that vice of anxiety, my mind swirls with unanswered hopes, and my heart is not settled. I feel to cry. The moment to moment stays mundane, the central role of my job is unchanged and still enjoyable, I still celebrate the good and happy of my days. But the undercurrent flows... and I am desperately staying afloat.

(I missed two days of LentenBlogging last week because I went on an "extended Sunday" weekend retreat with the women from my church, and did not have time to pre-post as I had planned. It was a blessed blessed escape from reality, and I treasured every minute.)

(This Season of Flux seems to have descended on a number of my friends at the same time. I feel us all swirling. If something has anchored me, it is continuing to pray for them, for their own flow of watery feces, prayer that we all come out of this dry and relatively unscathed. I am looking looking looking for the reasons behind it all, and prayer seems the only way to find those...)