Sunday, November 13, 2011

Mama Bean doesn't look good in green

I've recently been dealing with feelings of jealousy. I wouldn't say this is rare - I get consumer envy all the time. But in the context of relationships, it's relatively uncommon, and I don't know how to deal with it. On top of feeling justsohighschool, it's also problematic that jealousy is fundamentally a problem in myself, in my own head and my own heart. And I'm the only one to blame for it (really) and to fix it, I have to change my Thinkings and my Feelings, and I, frankly, suck. at. that.

It took me awhile to really figure out what was going on. At first, I just collected a bunch of situations in my head that made me feel bad, in an unidentifiable way. Bad in my stomach, like losing your appetite. Bad in my chest and shoulders, like a suddenly cold day. Bad like a buzzing, nagging thought, "This hurts. I feel hurt. But why?" From there I embarked on a convoluted emotional extravaganza, fueled by hormones and sleep deprivation, and bless my husband for listening to it all.

First, I wondered if I had done something wrong. Maybe I'd unintentionally done something offensive or inconsiderate or whatever. And there are possibilities, I'm not a perfect friend...

But then again, nothing I'd considered I thought warranted the coldness and distance I was sensing, so then I got a little defensive...

But then again, it's not like people intend to be malicious, I'm sure it's just about busy-ness or busi-ness or any other combination of factors...

But then again, these situations just kept/keep happening, and I haven't changed my behaviour or done anything new that might explain it, so...

Then I'm back on the defensive train, defending my actions against accusations I've only imagined could possibly explain what's going on, and also leveling my accusations, and backing them up with exquisite prosecution. All completely in my head. 

Am I the only person who does this? Like, seriously, it felt like I was running a trial, in my head, and making up the dialogue for all involved parties, in my head. It was exhausting! What the hell was I thinking?

Anyway, at some point I just had to acknowledge how truly high school it felt, how it was keeping me up at night the way being nerdy and unaccepted did when I was a teenager, how it was truly exhausting my already exhausted resources, how it was so horribly fueled by hormonal fuckery, all of it

And I guess I'm just jealous.

Which really just feels like square one, in the sense that it doesn't fix anything. I still have the hurt stomach feelings, the situations keep adding up to more, confirmed hurt feelings. I can't escape the sense that a little glitter and sparkle is being progressively scattered, when I like to keep all the glitter and sparkle I can get.

Being an IF (in the MBPI), I have a complicated Mental Handbook for managing myself and my relationships. (I'm thinking the above mental meanderings don't make a convincing case for my Handbook's effectiveness, but, uh, moving on...) I take this stuff way too seriously (obviously) and it almost always blows over without confrontation or consequence. I don't know why I'm blogging it, except that it's sort of eating a hole in me, and I only have so many places to getitoutalready. (And I think Papa Bean is sick of hearing about it.) So, well. Here it is on the not-at-all private internet. Maybe now I'll feel better.

By the way, I actually look fantastic in green :)


  1. I'm am completely unsure if I should understand, be sympathetic, tell you to buck up or cry.

    I'll go with my gut...just move on. Let it go. Whatever is eating at you isn't worth the time of day. Of course, at 30 I would have done the same thing. At 44 I truly don't give a shit about anyone outside my family. I mean, I have a few friends, I do nice things for people, I do care about others, but at the end of the night I will no longer lay awake worrying about anyone other than my children or husband. I did that for a lot of years and nothing changed. Just my experience telling you to be happy, live in your moment, before you are older and looking back at that moment wishing you wouldn't have wasted time. I'd like my wasted time back, please.

    Hugs to your hormonal fuckery. :)

  2. Thank you for your comment, Gayle :) I was thinking of my little pity parade of posts lately (was going to write * another * one, but I'll refrain lol) and thought of you and all you're going through and how you stay positive and just keep keeping on. You are a strong woman, and I'll try to do what you say :)

  3. To answer your question, no, you're not the only one. ;)

    In fact, I read this post sometime in the middle of the night (I should write my own blog post about that) and I couldn't comment on it because my "I" stood for "Insecure" and I was pretty convinced that this post was about me and something I did, said or didn't do or didn't say. And then I laid awake worrying about everything... I need to take a page out of Gayle's book.

    So, high school isn't over? Shitty.

  4. Miss. YOU. when we're going through the SAME. THINGS!